


You’ve Gotten into my Bloodstream

by angelsandguns



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Inappropriate Use of the Force, Reylo - Freeform, kylo is emo, our poor space babies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-05 07:16:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14039004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsandguns/pseuds/angelsandguns
Summary: Rey felt the familiar prickle in the force that she hadn’t felt since Crait. A feeling she had both dreaded and hoped for. The feeling trace of a electricity in the air and the familiar presence she felt in the force told her instantly who was behind her.





	1. Chapter One

Rey felt the familiar prickle in the force that she hadn’t felt since Crait. A feeling she had both dreaded and hoped for. The feeling trace of a electricity in the air and the familiar presence she felt in the force told her instantly who was behind her.

“I don’t want you here.” Rey’s voice shook. In a way, her words were true. She didn’t want him there. She was still hurt from his betrayal in Snoke’s throne room. He was an enemy to the rebellion and she was a part of that now. All these things were true, yes, but, she couldn’t help but feel like a piece of her had gone back into place at him being here. She’d caught herself a couple of times trying to reach out to him when she was once again feeling alone. She hated that she felt like he was the only one she could talk to about it, but he was the only one who truly understood how loneliness could eat you alive.

“The only reason I’m here is because a part of you was thinking about me,” Kylo retorted, “I could feel it.” Rey had done everything she could to avoid thinking of the man before her. But, she would catch a glimpse of Luke’s broken saber, or overhear his name spat in meeting rooms, and she would be right back in that throne room, begging Ben to not choose a path she couldn’t follow. Rey squeezed her eyes shut, hoping that maybe, just maybe, when she opened her eyes he’d be gone. Instead when she opened her eyes she was met with his dark figure looming over her. She sighed. Wishful thinking. Kylo’s lips turned up at that.

“Did you really think I would just disappear?” He snarked. Rey wanted nothing more than to smack that smug look off his face.

“I was hoping you would.” She turned away from him and began to walk to the other side of her room, not catching his reaction but hoping it was to the same effect of slapping him. Rey could tell he was still hurt by her rejection in the throne room, even though he tried so desperately to not show it. She’d gotten to know him a lot through the bond they shared. She knew how lonely and self-loathing he really was. He couldn’t hide himself from her anymore.

“You don’t hate me as much as you’re portraying, Rey.” She snorted, but Kylo continued, ”I can feel that you want me here.” Rey shook her head.

“No, Ben, I _don’t_ ,” Rey seethed, beginning to get angry. She didn’t understand how this one man could make her blood boil but also make her heart stop in her chest. The ghost of a smile graced Kylo’s lips.

“You can’t bring yourself to hate me, no matter how hard you try,” Kylo said, almost teasingly.

“You’re a monster,” Rey spat, shoulders rising and falling fast with her heavy breathing. Rey wasn’t sure if she truly meant this, but she was lashing out and trying to hit him where it hurt. Kylo huffed, a poor attempt at a laugh. _So we’re back to that insult_ , he thought to himself.

“And yet...” Kylo reached to move a strand of hair out of her face, but Rey snatched his wrist.

“Don’t touch me.”

“...you can’t help but feel something for me,” Kylo finished. His arm was still midair, held by her shaking hands. She knew he would perceive her shaking as weakness, but she just couldn’t get herself to release him.

“The only thing I feel for you is anger,” Rey said. Her brain finally sent signals to her hand to release his arm. She tossed it for good measure and it smacked against his thigh. Kylo let out a low chuckle.

“You know, I can sense your feelings as you can mine. There’s really no point in you lying to me,” he said and something that could be compared to a smirk appear on his lips. Rey scoffed, but said nothing to deny it. She stared into his brown eyes, watching as the amber flecks danced in the light. She couldn’t seem to look away from those big, dumb brown eyes.

“My offer still stands, you know, if you’re done pretending you fit in with a group of scoundrels and traitors,” he drawled. Rey broke out of her trance in time to step away from him as he attempted to get closer. Kylo sighed in frustration.

“This would be so much easier if you weren’t so stubborn.”

“This whole thing would be easier if you had just accepted my offer.” Rey struggled to keep her voice steady. Kylo tilted his head, considering her, and took a step forward.

“I could say the same for you,” Kylo spoke down to her. Rey felt small having to look up to meet his eyes and tried to take another step back. She jumped when a wall intercepted her movements. Kylo’s smirk returned as Rey looked down at her feet, wanting to look anywhere but him. She tried to just pretend he wasn’t there but it was hard when his feet were practically touching hers.

She wanted desperately to continue her façade of her hatred for him. After all, he was a monster. He killed his own father for kriffs sake. But, she knew she was just fooling herself into thinking she could get over whatever feelings she had for him. She didn’t know what these feelings meant or even if they were only for his light side, but ever since Crait she did everything she could to not think about it. But, no matter how many x-wings she helped repair and no matter how many sparring matches she won with Finn, she could shake the thoughts of him that kept creeping into her mind. She tried to think about everything horrible he’s done and convince herself he was nothing but a monster. But, standing here in front of him, she couldn’t deny she wanted nothing more than to beg him to stay. And she was anything but a beggar.

A leather hand reached to lift her chin up and, surprisingly, she couldn’t bring herself to stop him.

“If you would just drop your moral compass for one second,” Kylo growled, “If you would just let yourself feel recklessly.”

“I could ask the same of you,” Rey said, throwing his own words back at him. Kylo’s eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “You won’t let yourself feel the light in you. I’m not the only one who is stubborn here, Ben.”

Kylo’s hand was still holding her chin in place and he wrestled with his impulse control to not just kiss her right then and there. At the very least it would get her to shut up about his so called “light”. But, he knew that would only cause her anger. She had to accept her feelings first.

“Let’s not pretend like only my light side seduces you,” Kylo said with a stroke of his gloved thumb along her jaw. He felt her jaw clench under his hand.

“You don’t seduce me, Ben. If you think that then you have _not_ been paying attention.” Kylo hummed, continuing to stroke her jaw. Rey’s eyes drifted down to his thumb and then back up into his eyes.

“Then why are you allowing me to touch you like this?” Kylo asked. He felt her jaw clench again and watched her eyes turn to rage.

“I’m not,” she spat, pushing his hand off of her. Kylo let his eyes follow his hand and sighed.

“Rey—“ Kylo started but Rey was quick to shake her head.

“No,” she objected, pushing past him. Kylo let her pass and followed her with his eyes.

“We need to stop this,” Rey said quietly, keeping her back to him. Kylo turned himself around.

“Is the thought that you could feel something for me really that abhorrent?” Kylo snapped, heart already in his stomach preparing for her rejection once more.

“Yes!” Rey shouted without thought. Her words were true. She was terrified of having feelings for a monster. She was a member of the rebellion, she should abhor him entirely. But after a few seconds of silence, she peeked over her shoulder and her heart sunk in her chest when she saw how his eyes flashed with emotions. _Hurt, sadness, betrayal_. Before finally settling to _rage_.

“Fine.” Kylo’s face was quickly free of all emotion. She was rejecting him again. He was in the throne room all over again. He cursed himself for ever believing she would do anything but reject him. He hated himself for believing anyone would ever pick him. Rey’s shoulders sank and she opened her mouth to speak but he was already fading away.

 


	2. I Want to Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn talks to Rey about how she reacts when Kylo is mentioned.

“I wish we could've shot that son of a bitch when we had the chance,” Poe spat, pacing circles around the meeting room. An ally had directed them to a planet with an old resistance base on it. Allies were very helpful to the resistance as soon as they knew the First Order was no longer aiming weapons at them. Figures. Rey shifted slightly, not going unnoticed by Finn.

“Poe—“ Finn started, but Poe cut him off with a lift of his hand before the hand went back to massaging his temple.

Finn sighed and Rey was now counting the cracks on the floor. She knew Poe had every right to feel the way he felt, but she wanted to stand up and tell him he didn’t know the whole story. He didn’t know about little Ben Solo who had a loneliness that consumed him. He didn’t know that the only constant in Ben’s life was that monster’s voice in his head. He didn’t know that his own uncle had pointed a lightsaber at him. He didn’t know Ben Solo. If Poe only knew what had happened just a week ago in her quarters...the way she let him touch her. She felt a pang in her chest as her guilt began to come back.

“I have to go speak to Leia, but I’ll see you later in the cantina, yeah?” Before either of them had a chance to object to her leaving, she was already making her way out the door.

Finn sighed once more and wiped a hand across his face. Poe stopped pacing to watch Rey leave and then looked confusedly at Finn.

“Is she okay?” Poe asked in concern. In the past month Poe had gotten pretty close to the last jedi he had heard so much about. He recalls Finn calling her a “legend”. Poe had scoffed to himself, mostly out of pride, especially when he mentioned her piloting skills. But, after meeting her, he realized she really did live up to the press. Leia couldn’t speak fonder of her, and after meeting her, Poe really couldn’t blame her. She was something to admire.

Of course, Poe had noticed her awkwardness whenever _he_ was brought up. It was hard to not notice the avoided eye contact and something (maybe sadness?) that flashed across her features. He honestly didn’t feel like it was his place to ask why, so he didn’t. But, in times like these he wished he could ask why this name affected her so. Finn cleared his throat and pushed himself off of the table he had been leaning on.

“She’ll be alright, yeah, you just know how she gets when he’s mentioned,” Finn said with a wave of his hand, trying to make the situation as nonchalant as possible.

“Yeah, but—“

“I’ll go check on her,” Finn stated before Poe could pile on more questions that Finn had no way of having answers to. He didn’t know if he should continue to ask Rey about it, because even though they were each other’s best friends, it still seemed like that subject always required walking on eggshells. But, she couldn’t go on like this, breaking down every time his name was mentioned. They were in the rebellion for Maker’s sake; she was going to hear his name. And Finn was determined to fix whatever he had done to her.

He had passed Leia while walking past the cantina so he knew she was lying about going to talk to her. He figured she had gone back to her quarters and began to head that way. He didn’t want to upset Rey but coming to her quarters when she had obviously wished to be left alone, but this had honestly gone on long enough. He gave a short knock on the door and awkwardly picked at his jacket while he waited. He heard nothing for about half a minute, but finally shuffling could be heard on the other side of the door and Rey emerged.

“Oh—hi, Finn, sorry I had just come in her to—“

“Save it,” Finn said pushing past her. Rey sighed, realizing why he was here, and shut the door behind her.

“You don’t have to lie to me, Rey,” Finn said when Rey turned around to face him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Rey replied. She knew it was in vain but it was worth a shot to deflect.

“He hurt you some how. Now, I don’t know what he did and you don’t have to tell me, but—“

“Finn,” Rey started, but he gave her a stern look that said he had no intention of letting this go. “I’d kill that bastard myself if I could, Rey.” Rey looked away, not wanting Finn to see her reaction. “But, his name is going to get mentioned a lot until that happens and I hate to see what it does to you.” Finn walked towards her and she looked up with sad eyes.

“Please, tell me what’s hurting you, he said with pleading eyes. It was silent for a good amount of time. Finn wasn’t going to back down though and kept his fierce gaze on Rey.

“I had the chance to kill Be—Kylo...but I didn’t,” Rey confessed after a minute, her head hung in shame and also, in fear of his reaction. This, of course, wasn’t the whole reason why the man’s name made her want to curl into a ball, but this explained a lot of the guilt she was feeling. Whenever he was mentioned she was reminded of how she let her feelings get in the way of what most people would deem the right thing to do. But there was no way she was in a state to explain her emotions for him to Finn.

There were a few seconds when all the could be heard was the whirring of the control panels outside her quarters, but Rey wouldn’t be surprised if Finn could hear her heart beat as it was practically trying to leap from her chest. Finn swallowed, not sure where to even start with the questions.

“When?” was the question he finally settled on. Rey blinked back tears and took a deep breath. At least he wasn’t yelling at her.

“After we fought the pretorian guards...”

“Yeah...” Finn replied slowly. He was still not sure how they ended up fighting on the same side to begin with, but Rey was finally opening up to him about this and he wasn’t going to rush her. She had been pretty quiet about the whole thing after coming back, saying only that she had tried to bring him to the light and failed. She mentioned they fought pretorian guards together and that he betrayed her afterwards, but didn't say how or why she was even on Snoke's ship to begin with. She got quiet and closed off whenever his name was mentioned and Finn had tried and tried to get her to open up to him about exactly what happened, saying it would do her good to talk about it, but she just would deflect in anyway she could.

_“Rey?” he had come to her room after a meeting where he was mentioned a multitude of times, as it always was. Rey chewed on her lip before turning around and giving Finn a small smile._

_“Yeah, Finn?” she responded and Finn shook his head._

_“You know you don't have to do that with me. You don't have to put on a fake smile,” He walked over to her,“I see your reaction whenever they mention his name.”_

_Rey winced and moved to turn away. Finn was tempted to try and stop her but decided against it._

_“I told you. I don't want to talk about this, Finn,” she had said firmly, her back now to him._

_Finn sighed and drew a hand across his face._

_“I don't like seeing you like this and not being able to help...I want to help.” Rey had been silent for a bit._ I can help you _, she was brought back to that moment in the lift. The moment she thought things could be okay. Before she could get buried in them, she shook the thoughts away._

 _“I thought I could save him.._. _I was wrong. That's all.”_

_“But that's not on you, Rey.”_

_Rey shook her head._

_“No, it's more complicated than that. I...” she trailed off. Her thoughts were starting to overwhelm her. She hadn't allowed herself to really think about him, afraid she'd goes as far as to miss him. She worried if she broke that dam it would drown her._

_“What hap-” “Finn, please,” Rey pleaded, her arms wrapped around her torso, as if that was the_ _only thing holding her together. She didn't want to talk about this, she couldn't. She had let whatever feelings she had for him get in the way and she felt like a traitor. She had trusted him, saw a life with him. The worst part was that a part of her still cared for him. Finn nodded, not fully understanding, but understanding she didn't need an interrogation right now. He went around her so that he was facing her and just hugged her. Rey's arms eventually wrapped around him as well and they just stood like that for a while. Rey let a few secret tears fall. Finn saw. He didn't say anything. He knew this was all she needed for right now._

“He had just proposed that I rule the galaxy with him...” Rey said. She figured if she was opening up to him about this, she might as well tell him the whole story.

“Rule the galaxy? With _him_? Is he insane?” Finn sputtered, having forgotten to tread lightly on this subject. Rey flinched slightly at the raise of his voice and Finn composed himself. “I'm sorry...what happened next?”

Rey took another deep breath. She wasn't ready to confess that she actually considered his offer.

“And he offered me his hand...but instead I went for Luke's saber.” Both Rey and Finn's eyes flickered to the broken saber on her desk. “We were both forcing pulling at it...And I guess our strengths were so easily matched that it made the saber break in two.”

Finn hummed in surprise. He had honestly assumed Kylo had broken it just to break it, or maybe in a fit of rage in another tantrum. Finn was pretty familiar with his tantrums, considering he was the one who had to clean the room afterwards. If Rey heard this hum, she didn't show it.

“Anyway, the blast knocked us both out for a good bit and I came to first...I saw him just laying there and felt like I should kill him. It would save people of so much pain right?” _Except me_ , Rey thought to herself. “It would be the right thing to do...But, the more I stared at him...the more I realized I wouldn’t actually kill him...I couldn't...”

Rey's lip trembled slightly. She felt like this was a crime comparable to treason. Finn's face softened at her lip tremble and moved closer to her.

“Rey, not being able to kill someone is not something to be ashamed of, especially Leia's son,” Finn said softly. Rey nodded. He assumed the main reason she didn't kill him was because of Leia. And of course, she wouldn't want to hurt Leia like that, but that's not the reasoning that went through her mind at that moment. She still had hope he could be saved. She knew she would sound like a lunatic for that so she decided to keep that tidbit to herself for the moment. Maybe another time...

Before she could finish her thoughts, Finn was pulling her into a fierce hug, rubbing slow circles into her back. Rey smiled, Finn's hugs tended to have a way of pulling those out of her, and hugged him back. Eventually, Finn pulled back and scanned Rey's for any sort of unhappiness. Rey gave him a smile and, surprisingly, it didn't feel forced.


	3. I Could've Said Yes

Finn had decided to have a night-in with Rey. He went down to the cantina to get both Rey and him a try of food, despite Rey’s insistence that she could do it herself. The base they were on didn’t have any sort of hologram so they were stuck with an old board of _Ratts Race_. The instructions were yellowed with age and half of it wasn’t even legible so they were forced to make up half of the rules, but they found it to be more fun that way.

At some point in the night, Poe came in looking for Finn and decided to join in.

“Hold on, I found a something in a supply closet that I think will make this more fun,” Poe said after a few minutes, before quickly rushing to Finn and Poe’s shared quarters.

Rey had never been more thankful for being able to have a quarter to herself, considering that now the force bond was apparently reopen for business. The last thing she wanted was for Finn and Poe to think she was crazier than they probably already did. But, Rey figured Finn and Poe didn’t mind sharing a room, if the laughter she could hear into the night was any indication.

Poe returned with a grin and two bottles of Corellian Rum, earning cheers from the two on the bed.

“I knew I liked you, Dameron,” Rey said and he threw her a wink.

A few drinks later and Rey was a giggling mess on her bed. Finn was getting close to being drunk, but Poe seemed to really know how to hold his liquor as he seemed the same as before he was only just now starting to show the effects of the alcohol. Rey sat up, her flushed face swaying side to side. She practically shoved her glass into Poe’s face, asking for more of the burning liquid, and he chuckled, pushing the glass down.

“I think you’ve had enough,” Poe said.

“I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough, Flyboy,” Rey retorted and Poe gave Finn an amused look. Finn just laughed and threw back another shot.

Rey, completely forgetting she wanted another drink, plopped back on the bed stared at the spinning ceiling. She closed her eyes and just enjoyed the warmth that the alcohol provided her with.

“Yeah, I think she’s had enough,” Poe snickered.

Rey waved a hand in dismal, or at least she thinks she did. More likely than not she just raised her hand half an inch and gave up. The warmth was heavenly and she felt as though her troubles had evaporated, if just for this moment. Rey's feeling of bliss was interrupted by a tug on the force that she recognized as the bond roaring to life. Her eyes flung open; even in her drunken state, she knew she needed to get them out of her room.

“You good, Rey?” Finn questioned with a chuckle. Rey wracked her brain for a normal way to tell them to get the hell out. They needed to leave and fast.

“Uh...would it be weird to just ask you two to leave me alone for a bit?” The two boys exchanged questioning looks.

“Are you okay?” Finn asked.

Rey saw movement in her peripheral and jerked her head around to meet eyes with Ben. He squinted his eyes, trying to understand why Rey looked so scared. She thought, for a second, that maybe Ben actually looked worried for her.

“Yes, m’okay, please just...” Rey gestured to the door. Poe began to object, but Finn cut him off put a hand on his shoulder and directed him out the door. He didn’t know what was going on but he didn’t want to do anything to make Rey upset. She was finally seeming to enjoy herself.

“Wouldn’t want your resistance friends to find out about me, would you?” Ben asked, back to being resentful, looking at something before him that Rey could not see.

“Well, they wouldn’t like that very much, would they?” Rey questioned back and threw herself back down on her bed. Ben lifted his eyes to properly look at her. Her face was splotched with bits of red, her eyes seemed unfocused, and her usually well done three buns were disheveled and unkempt. He squinted his eyes once more, trying to discern what was wrong with her. Rey mimicked his squinting and struggled not to let her giggles free. She knew this was a wildly different situation than it had been with Finn and Poe, but she couldn’t seem to bring herself to be serious.

“What’s wrong with you?” Ben asked, trying not to, but letting some concern seep into his words.

“‘What’s wrong with you?’” Rey mocked him and this time she let some giggles free. Realization dawned on him.

“You’re drunk,” Ben said. He was relieved she wasn’t on any sort of drugs, but he wasn’t sure he had the patience to deal with a drunk Rey.

“I am not! I’m just slightly inebriated.” Rey put her fingers close together, indicating a small amount.

“You’re drunk,” Ben repeated, sounding rather irritated. Rey huffed and pushed herself up to stand, swaying slightly but overall being able to hold herself up.

“What’s your problem, Solo?” Ben chuckled, despite himself. He had to admit that this version of Rey was rather adorable. So adorable, that he almost forgot why he had been angry with her. Almost.

“Is this about the throne room, _again_? Ben, you asked me to kill my friends. We can’t all see morality as a slippery slope like you.” Rey drove her hand down in a slanting motion and topped it off with a explosive noise at the end. Any humor Ben saw in the situation vanished and rage took its place.

“You think I have no morality?” He asked through gritted teeth.

“I’ve only seen you show any for me and even then...,” Rey trailed off and Ben avoided her gaze.

“I thought you were different,” he snapped.

“And I thought you were different.” Ben gripped the sides of the table in front of him. Rey couldn’t see such a table but she could see his knuckles turning white. She felt the urge to soothe the tension out of him and before she knew it that’s exactly what she was doing. She lightly drug her hand over his his own, enjoying how the Force reacted around them. He jerked his head to look at her incredulously. Even though they both could feel the Force practically purring at proximity, distain was written in Ben’s features.

“What do you think you’re doing?” He growled, although he made no move to pull away. His mind wanted to hate her actions but his body betrayed him by relaxing at her touch. “I don’t know,” Rey said, actually realizing what she was doing and pulled back. The tension returned to his body as quick as it left and the Force whined at the loss of contact.

 _But, why?_ he thought. She’s chosen the resistance over him twice now. She shouldn’t still have this sort of effect on him.

Rey didn't understand what the Force was trying to say. What with the vision she had in the hut on Ach-To to the pure ecstasy that had just filled the force around them when they touched, it was clear to Rey that it wanted them together. The bond showed no sign of stopping, if anything, she felt it was getting stronger. The Force was trying to say something. She just didn't know what the Force wanted her to do.

“I would have said yes...” Rey’s drunk brain for some ungodly reason decided to betray her at that very moment. Maybe she didn’t say it? Maybe she just said it in her head. But, the look on Ben’s face told her that, no, it had actually come out of her big, drunk mouth.

 _Oh well_ , Rey thought. Although, she knew her sober counterpart would not share the same indifference come morning.

“If it hadn’t been for you letting the fleet die,” Rey paused, flicking her eyes down to her feet, “I could see myself having said yes.”

Ben was staring at the top of Rey’s head where her three buns sat in disarray, random strands of hair having escaped her hair ties. Did this change anything? It let him see how close he was to having a future with Rey. How close he had been to whatever future he had allowed himself to envision with her. If only she had been able to let go...or if he had been able to compromise.

“But I did let the fleet die,” Ben said. His gaze was now back on the table before him. 

"Yes, you did.” Rey looked back up at him. His hand was back to gripping the invisible table. Rey, for the first time since the throne room, let her mind go back to the vision she had of a future with Ben Solo. A world where he had went with her. A world where he fell into his mother’s awaiting arms feeling all the years of grief and old resentment hit him at once, but knowing he could now heal this wound. A world where the resistance eventually begrudgingly excepted him. A world where they never had to be alone again. A world where there was no more First Order, no more Resistance. A world where they brought a balance to the force...together. A world where a little Solo... Ben turned to meet her eyes and for a moment, just a moment, she thought he was somehow seeing this same vision of hers. But, how could that be...

With a start, she realized she was now holding something warm, and she knew now why Ben had looked up at her. Her hand had found itself back onto his, but this time her hand was gripping onto his like he was the only thing holding her together. It was clear to Rey now that he had most definitely seen what had been going through her head. He had seen a little head with big, black curls nearly covering its small face running into Rey's awaiting arms...

She quickly jerked her hand away and turned away from his fierce gaze. She couldn’t let herself feel this again only to have him leave her. Again.

“But, I didn’t say yes, so there isn’t a point to this conversation,” Rey said quickly.

“Rey—“

“Don’t—Just, don’t,” she said sternly. She knew, even drunk, she wouldn’t be able to handle this conversation.

“If you would just—“

“If I would just what, Ben?!” Rey asked, spinning around to face him, not being able to hold back. “You’re the one that chose the wrong path, not me! You’re the reason that vision will never come true, so you are in no position to be telling me what I should do.”

Ben’s jaw shifted. He was very clearly trying to not let his emotions get the best of him. Yelling at Rey would only heighten the situation more and he couldn't fight with her anymore.

“Would you still want that vision to be real?” Ben asked after some deliberation.

Rey was silent, her breathing still labored. She honestly didn’t know how to answer that question. After all was said and done, she made an unspoken agreement with herself to tuck that vision away and never retrieve it. She’d never let herself consider it.

“If there was no resistance, no first order, none of your...friends,” Ben said and took a step closer to her.

“Just us.”

“I—I don’t know,” Rey answered honestly after a few moments of deliberation.

“You do,” he responded, sounded very sure of himself. “But you can’t bring yourself to admit it.”

“I was willing to have some sort of life with you when I thought things could be different. After you killed Snoke...I thought I wouldn’t have to be alone anymore...I thought neither of us would.”

“You’re still not alone, Rey. The force has us connected in some way.” Before Rey would have a chance to resist he grabbed her hand. “Do you feel that? The force wants this.”

Suddenly, Rey’s head was filled with images of the two of them as the force whipped around them. The moment when she first saw his face and thought there was something more to the monster before her—something human. When she left him to die in the cold. When she knew he was the only one she wanted to talk to after the cave, knowing he’d understand that she felt so alone that she couldn’t breathe. When they first touched hands. Everything she saw in that moment. When she rejected him. That little head with big hair. Leia happy. A balance. Her guilt. Her happiness. His despair. His hope. Their loneliness. Everything. Rey pulled her hand back, being too overwhelmed. Tears were rushing to her eyes and she squeezed her eyes to try and keep them from spilling over. When she finally felt it safe, she opened her eyes and he was gone. She doesn’t know which emotion caused it, maybe it was a combination of all of them, but she was suddenly on the floor crying. She pulled her knees to her chest and just let herself _sob_. She let herself feel everything she had tucked away.

And across the galaxy, Ben was clutching the table again, trying to keep his own tears at bay.


	4. Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry this update took so long i’ve just been dealing with work and school and a ton of writers block ugh thank you for your wonderful comments and encouragement to keep writing <3 i hope you like this chapter and i hope it was worth the wait!

After Rey cried all the tears she could and she was left with a fuzzy head and cheeks rubbed raw, she finished off the bottle of rum that Poe had left and let her exhaustion take her. Finn and Poe stepped in a few hours later, just to check that she was alive after not hearing from her, and sighed at her crumped form on the bed. Finn came over and covered her with her discarded blankets and laid a kiss on her warm head. She groaned slightly and shifted but didn’t wake up.

“Has she been crying?” Poe whispered, seeing her red cheeks. Finn just looked at him and gave a curt nod. He gave Rey one last pitiful look before flicking her lights off.

“What’s going on with her, man?” Poe asked when they were in the hallway.

“What do you mean?” Finn asked. He didn’t want to have this conversation again.

“C’mon. Something happened between her and Kylo Ren, I know it.” Finn looked around to make sure no one has heard him and sighed, pointing to their shared quarters.

“Look, it’s not my place to say and even if it was I barely have a clue of what’s going on with her,” Finn said while they both went inside.

“I’m not trying to pry into her business, I’m not. But, it would be really nice to have the last Jedi on our side when we fight him again and I don’t think she’s up to that,” Poe said and Finn shifted his jaw. He knows Poe didn’t mean any ill intent, he did, but hearing Rey being talked about like that— like a weapon—set his teeth on edge.

There were quite a few resistance members that were clearly getting antsy over the fact that Rey hasn’t made any sort of heroic jedi plan to save them all. They expected her to be the answers to all their prayers and Finn could tell the weight on her shoulders was getting to her.

“Look, she’s not just some weapon that you can reload whenever you feel like it.”

“Finn, that’s not what I-“

“I know,” Finn interrupted and sighed, “I know. It’s just all the people here know nothing about her except that she helped us out of that cave and they just expect so much from her. It’s infuriating.”

“I think it’s a war and people are looking for any hope they can find,” Poe said. Finn was too exhausted to argue so he just nodded and bid Poe goodnight.

“Finn,” Poe started, afraid he’d upset him.

“It’s fine, Poe. I really just wanna sleep.”

As much as Rey wished her sleep would’ve been dreamless and sound, it was anything but. It was filled with red and blue lightsabers crashing together, snow red with blood, Snoke’s split body, the fleet exploding, Ben’s pleading eyes, and that damned head of curls...

The sun was barley making an appearance over the horizon when she was awaken. By what, she didn’t know, she just felt—off. A disturbance in the Force, perhaps? Her blinding headache made it difficult to determine anything. She groaned and looked to turn at her chronometer and groaned again when she realized she’d only been able to sleep for three hours. She just needed rest. Was one night too much to ask? She turned herself over with a huff and squeezed her eyes shut, hoping for at least two hours more. Then she sensed it—his force signature. Her eyes flew open.

_No._

She blinked and then there he was. He looked gigantic in Rey’s small bed; if he were actually here his legs would be falling off the end. Rey could see his eyes moving under his eyelids rapidly and she wondered what he was dreaming about. She knew if she really wanted to know she could force herself into his head, it’s only fair, after all he’d done the same to her. But, even though he was sleeping, she wasn’t even sure she was strong enough yet to do that. And to be frank, he just looked so peaceful and she was enjoying watching his eyes dance. Seeing him like this made her forget how much he made her want to scream. Suddenly, his eyes stopped their movement and his body stiffened. He felt it too. Rey quickly shut her eyes, praying she could fall back asleep and the connection would just go away.

“I know you’re awake,” he sighed after a minute. Rey kept her eyes shut. Another minute of silence passed and Kylo huffed in annoyance and turned himself so his back was to Rey. There was no reason for Rey to feel guilty, she doesn’t owe him anything, and she knew that. But even still, she found herself opening her eyes. If Kylo sensed this, he didn’t show it. Rey spent a minute opening and closing her mouth, deliberating whether she wanted to face the consequences of saying anything.

“Ben...” Rey breathed, quietly enough that there was a chance he might’ve not heard. She knew he did when he slowly flipped himself around to face her.

“You’ve been crying,” he stated matter-of-factually. Rey cast her eyes down. There was no way she could deny it, her red rimmed eyes said it all.

Kylo wanted to comfort her, hold her. He knew he should be slighted with her, but after last night, he couldn’t seem to think of any reason why. The only problem was he didn’t know _how_ to comfort her. He didn’t know how to make himself vulnerable like that. He was always at his most vulnerable with Rey but, even still, he was constantly still on edge, expecting something to go wrong, as it always did. He’s only ever comforted his mother, but that felt like centuries ago.

“Did you cry because of me?” Kylo asked. He wanted to know. He wanted to know if someone like Rey could truly care about him enough to cry for him. And perhaps this would help him to comfort her; to know why she was sad.

He felt anger come off of Rey in waves through the Force and he instantly knew that was the wrong thing to ask.

“You know exactly why I was crying, you asshole,” Rey hissed.

Kylo closed his eyes with a sigh. He didn’t know what the fuck to do.

“I never intended to make you sad,” he muttered, eyes still closed. Apparently this was the right thing to do, as he felt the anger seep away slightly. Ben opened his eyes to see her glassy ones staring back at him.

“I don’t want to talk about it again—I can’t. Please just, let me forget about everything for just a few hours. I just—I just need to forget, please.” Rey’s voice wavered and she squeezed her eyes shut, praying her tears wouldn’t come back. She couldn’t do this again. It was too exhausting and she was emotionally spent.

She gasped and almost jerked away when Kylo grabbed her hand.

“Okay,” Kylo agreed and Rey opened her eyes to meet his. She needed to be closer to him. She just needed _him_. Without thinking she pressed herself against his chest and just enjoyed feeling safe. This should be the opposite of safe, opening herself up to Kylo Ren. But, she didn’t think about the First order; she didn’t think about the resistance, she didn’t think about her friends, she just did what felt right and ignored everything else. Rey felt that this was exactly where she belonged, even if she couldn’t understand it.

The Force clearly agreed as it _purred_. Kylo hesitated, but eventually gave in and wrapped his long arms around Rey’s slender figure. He risked a small kiss to her hair before placing his chin atop her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys enjoyed! please leave kudos and feedback :)))

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first reylo fic please tell me how you like it so far :)) 
> 
> Follow me on my tumblr- benscaligraphyset


End file.
